a glimmer, a gleam, teeny bit of shimmer

Well may sucked
June has a shimmer of Hope
We'll see what is to come

Quick Recap:
kicked out

moved

complicated

temporary move back

plan to move to Florida

grandmothers convincing

We are staying in Texas

My car has a gas leak

deposit on my second choice apartment

two breaks the month of may

baby daddy saw his child 3 times the whole month

hours only.. 6 maximum

plane tickets purchased

so much at stake

my future and very existence...
i cant spell

Now here I sit. Wondering what the hell I am to do

I am to go through all my belongings and decide what i wish to cling to and what i wish to sell or donate to someone for a good cause or to simply

avoid watching my stuff dive into the trash can

The male species.

I am so sick and tired of all the bull shit

what do you do when you want to run

run away

but run into their arms at the same time.
Don't read me wrong.
I am not terrified of commitment,
or being faithful,

or any of that other mushy stuff.

my horror comes from making the wrong commitment to the wrong sort of person.
a person.. with whom

everyday is a struggle

ha

I have no faith in the other party

I hold no trust for man kind

infidelity being the major issue

I understand and have sat in the front row seat

even acted upon stage

for the showing of

How to cheat on your spouse and not get caught

Its a horror project.

Someone ends up hurt if not everyone.

I have seen it, been inflicted, and caused it

My point is i have no faith in anyone else I date simply because

I get that phone call, text, pic mail, fb message, random visit
from temptation.
and If I were a daring girl I could jump in that seat
and go for a ride.

I used to be that girl

careless and hurtful

But I care too much now

I don't want to play with temptation... the point is

dang it,

that I know how easy it is.. so I freaking put up my walls

and never

never

never

ever

believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

in the case that the little voice

inside my head is actually right

I wont be disappointed in myself

for actually being naive and gullible enough

to trust the opposite sex.

I don't want to be hurt...

to love someone you have to open your self up

at least enough for a door..

to allow for the good

and you cant close the door.

if you want that good to walk in the door

and keep visiting you

cannot shut it.

But it allows Bad news

to walk in,

Take a chair, sit at your table, drink your drink,

insult your taste, damage your pride,

and laugh at your pain.

Who in the fuck wants that.

Its one of the Largest risks in life.

Which is why half of the human race does

not attempt relationships

or take them as serious as one would think.

whatever I'm done ranting for today.

My goodness do I hope and wish that things will go good.

I truly do.
And I am scared shitless

ambition, lack there of

well its been forever. my son broke his other leg in January.

Fragile and daring that child is.

It healed.

Another crazy pregnancy, lasting much shorter.

fertile and daring, I am.

But unable to go through.

enough of that..

new years, came and went.

sparklers in the yard.

Valentines came and went.

Idk what I even did.

St patricks day came and went.

I cant seem to remember either.

Easter came.

Egg hunt in the back yard.

Quite funny in fact.

Mother's day is approaching with speed.

Nothing planned.

No One to help appreciate the day.

Being a mom 24/7, no breaks, maybe a lunch, no sitters, maybe hours once every 3 months, broke, maybe 30 bucks every two weeks, and hope comes and goes. I am crumbling as I type. the lows get greater and the highs seem to high to reach. But I do have a spec of rational hope. Its what my world is balancing on. Crossing my fingers, that I will make it through. super rough to lose ambition.. but here we are. :) happy cinco de mayo

Mornings

The mornings I have. Each of them different in soooo many ways, the one thing they all have in common is the ear piercing screams of my child when he doesnt get what he wants. But hey, I cannot entirely blame the boy, he cannot get up and get what he wants himself. Though thats another point, the reason he is screaming bloody murder is because I told him "no" more than once. Now if he were in the position capable of getting what he wanted with his independence.. I would not have the chance to say no, it would require taking crap away, pulling him off/down from things.. I dont know whats worse. The grass is mud covered on both sides of the fence for i have been on both, lol. Living with this ridiculous schedule, asleep at 9:30 and awake at 3:30, Let me tell ya, a three year old with 6 hours of sleep a night and SOMETIMES a nap makes for a cranky boy and cranky mother.

I have literally timed the amount of time I have to start anything in the kitchen before he starts asking for something else, four and a half minutes. That is insanity. I cannot be in two places at once, I cannot make your food and sit with you. Two opposite ends of the house son. I seriously, can not wait until the day when cast is gone and therapy is done and he is back to his independent self. I honestly just hope that it all goes well.